I am not good at making decisions. I am an endless loop; I will create circular logic patterns and ride them like genuinely terrifying roller coasters.
Now that I've learned, after an ongoing period of careful observation that I'm exceedingly proud of, to identify my moods, my confidence in my own decision making has unfortunately decreased. My depressed self doesn't feel confident making a decision on her own, without my "normal" self and my hypomanic self. My "normal" self tends to be paralyzed by indecision and wait for either my depressed or hypomanic self to come out and play. My hypomanic self wants to make every decision possible, act on it, and plan my life six or twelve or eighteen months out. I am an endless loop.
I would never go back in time to before my diagnosis, when I was living with my symptoms, no medical relief, and no understanding. However, learning about my disease, about how my cycles ebb and flow, about the ridiculous things I am prone to think and feel when I'm up and the hysterical melancholy I tend to indulge in when I'm down, can be anything but empowering. It can paralyze me. How can I make a decision when I'm hypomanic, knowing that I've done some embarrassing, dangerous things in that state while thinking I was making good life choices? How can I make a decision when I'm depresesd without thinking that I'm selling myself short? And then, by extension, how can I ever make a decision at all? I'm all for self awareness, but it doesn't do wonders for my self confidence.
Of course, I do make decisions. I make good decisions that have led me to a good career, great personal relationships, and relatively good health. However, I tend to make them slowly and painfully, hyperanalyzing them so much that the stress exacerbates my symptoms, giving me less confidence in my decisions, which I then analyze more. I am an endless loop.
But, as always, there is hope. Someone convinced me today that information is always power, and maybe he's right: maybe the more self aware I become, including about my reactions to my own self awareness, the better my life will become. Maybe the decisions I make now are already better than a less reasonable, thoughtful person in my situation would make. Maybe I'm a work in progress, like everyone else. And maybe, and this is a hard one, but maybe I'm just not good at making decisions. Bipolar or not, we all have our limits.
Now that I've learned, after an ongoing period of careful observation that I'm exceedingly proud of, to identify my moods, my confidence in my own decision making has unfortunately decreased. My depressed self doesn't feel confident making a decision on her own, without my "normal" self and my hypomanic self. My "normal" self tends to be paralyzed by indecision and wait for either my depressed or hypomanic self to come out and play. My hypomanic self wants to make every decision possible, act on it, and plan my life six or twelve or eighteen months out. I am an endless loop.
I would never go back in time to before my diagnosis, when I was living with my symptoms, no medical relief, and no understanding. However, learning about my disease, about how my cycles ebb and flow, about the ridiculous things I am prone to think and feel when I'm up and the hysterical melancholy I tend to indulge in when I'm down, can be anything but empowering. It can paralyze me. How can I make a decision when I'm hypomanic, knowing that I've done some embarrassing, dangerous things in that state while thinking I was making good life choices? How can I make a decision when I'm depresesd without thinking that I'm selling myself short? And then, by extension, how can I ever make a decision at all? I'm all for self awareness, but it doesn't do wonders for my self confidence.
Of course, I do make decisions. I make good decisions that have led me to a good career, great personal relationships, and relatively good health. However, I tend to make them slowly and painfully, hyperanalyzing them so much that the stress exacerbates my symptoms, giving me less confidence in my decisions, which I then analyze more. I am an endless loop.
But, as always, there is hope. Someone convinced me today that information is always power, and maybe he's right: maybe the more self aware I become, including about my reactions to my own self awareness, the better my life will become. Maybe the decisions I make now are already better than a less reasonable, thoughtful person in my situation would make. Maybe I'm a work in progress, like everyone else. And maybe, and this is a hard one, but maybe I'm just not good at making decisions. Bipolar or not, we all have our limits.
I think you do frequently make good decisions. But I suppose there is always room for improvement, especially if your decision-making process feels too slow or painful.
ReplyDeleteThe self-awareness (actually selves-awareness) you show is remarkably mature and opens up many options for improving the quality of your decisions and decision-making process. In some circumstances, the best decision may be to delay action or delegate it to a different self or a trusted friend or loved one.
Have you tried the techniques people use to manage worry? Have you thought about decision-making as a risk-management exercise?