In the past year, I've discovered two things that I think are passions in my life.
I've discovered the health sciences, their beauty, logic, randomness, cruelty and hope, and I've taken the first huge risk of my life and hopefully one of the best decisions I have made. I also discovered that by writing about my own experiences, my own feelings, and my own survival story, I can inspire others and more importantly, help others understand. It started with this blog and I've started to write other pieces, and again, it feels like things are coming together. I finally have a story that I can write passionately, strongly about, and I'm developing my own voice.
The problem is that these two new passions might not be able to coexist. Is it really a good idea to share your experiences with mental illness when you're applying to medical school? To be seen as emotional, driven by personal experiences, and worst of all, vulnerable to the types of disasters that the doctors evaluating you know all too well? Just as I can't honestly answer the question, why do you want to be a doctor, maybe I can't honestly share my writing and this part of my identity right now.
I wish I thought I were wrong about this, that I was just being paranoid. But I do not think that. While I might be on my way to becoming some sort of advocate, I am a career person and right now a student first. I am a student who wants a successful outcome and if that means keeping silent, and not standing up when I feel my name is called (and I feel my name is called), I will stay sitting. For now. I don't know if that makes me a coward, a modern woman, or a realist. I don't know if that reflects on the smallness of my heart and mind or the size of my ambition. Of course, I feel the profound injustice that causes me to grapple with this question. If I were a cancer survivor, I could write my heart out. But that is not the obstacle that I overcome every day.
For now, I don't know what to do. I know I have to write, but I don't know if I can share. This blog is, to those who have not been personally introduced, quite anonymous. I was getting excited about sharing in other venues, but I am reconsidering, evaluating, wondering how my paths will coexist. I hope that someday and somewhere they can.
I've discovered the health sciences, their beauty, logic, randomness, cruelty and hope, and I've taken the first huge risk of my life and hopefully one of the best decisions I have made. I also discovered that by writing about my own experiences, my own feelings, and my own survival story, I can inspire others and more importantly, help others understand. It started with this blog and I've started to write other pieces, and again, it feels like things are coming together. I finally have a story that I can write passionately, strongly about, and I'm developing my own voice.
The problem is that these two new passions might not be able to coexist. Is it really a good idea to share your experiences with mental illness when you're applying to medical school? To be seen as emotional, driven by personal experiences, and worst of all, vulnerable to the types of disasters that the doctors evaluating you know all too well? Just as I can't honestly answer the question, why do you want to be a doctor, maybe I can't honestly share my writing and this part of my identity right now.
I wish I thought I were wrong about this, that I was just being paranoid. But I do not think that. While I might be on my way to becoming some sort of advocate, I am a career person and right now a student first. I am a student who wants a successful outcome and if that means keeping silent, and not standing up when I feel my name is called (and I feel my name is called), I will stay sitting. For now. I don't know if that makes me a coward, a modern woman, or a realist. I don't know if that reflects on the smallness of my heart and mind or the size of my ambition. Of course, I feel the profound injustice that causes me to grapple with this question. If I were a cancer survivor, I could write my heart out. But that is not the obstacle that I overcome every day.
For now, I don't know what to do. I know I have to write, but I don't know if I can share. This blog is, to those who have not been personally introduced, quite anonymous. I was getting excited about sharing in other venues, but I am reconsidering, evaluating, wondering how my paths will coexist. I hope that someday and somewhere they can.
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