Meditation and Mania

Recently, I've been meditating on planes. The ~80 minute flight I've been taking is the perfect opportunity to enjoy a quiet, seated meditation and I've enjoyed having that time built into my day. Yesterday, I was experiencing some hypomanic symptoms while I tried to meditate and the results were quite interesting.

Meditation, at least the kind that I practice, involves calm, respectful introspection and a quieting of the mind and, of course, body. Usually, my mind might resist falling into meditation, thinking of things that I should be doing during that time, but within a few minutes I settle deeply into it and enjoy passing the better part of an hour lost in a different headspace. This time, the minute I tried to start meditating I felt nauseous. I felt physically ill, like I was going to be sick in the middle of the airplane. My entire body felt weak and shaky and my head started spinning. I didn't feel manic, but I felt like I had been woken up in the middle of the night and asked to perform some exceedingly complex, completely foreign task.

I tried again. This time, I did feel manic - my thoughts were racing and my head felt like it was about to explode and my body felt like it was racing out of my skin. It was a horrifying experience. I felt claustrophobic and alone on the airplane and I felt like I would have to make the airplane stop, or turn around, or make an emergency landing because I was going to physically or mentally explode.

I kept meditating. The nausea went away, the restlessness started to subside. It wasn't pleasant, but at the end, I had meditated for one hour. Ritual and schedules are very important in treating my illness but I'm not good at maintaining them. I can't even decide if I want coffee or tea every morning, so I vary my morning beverage according to my mood. Sometimes I work out in the morning and sometimes in the evening. As I move into the next stage of my life, one of my challenges will be trying to create a consistent daily schedule that my body and mind can become accustomed to, and that I can follow even when it makes me physically ill to do so. Because when we touched down in SFO after that flight, I felt a little bit calmer and a little bit better. I said I was going to meditate for one hour, and I did. That was a victory.