Today I feel bad. I made a bad decision or two this weekend and I feel guilty, ashamed, and bad. It’s not just a horrible, no good, very bad day: when you’re managing a mental illness, every bad day can come with a paralyzing, tummy lurching fear that this day could be the start of something much worse.
Am I going to feel depressed all week? All month? All year? Am I going to stop working out and gain weight and withdraw from society? Is this going the feared bout of depression, looming on the horizon from which I do not recover? Will the fog ever lift? Will I ever be happy again?
For me, bad days are more than bad days. They are a trigger. They remind me of being depressed, of the trauma of self destruction, of the great tragedy in my life. I revert to attitudes and actions that bring scant comfort: I withdraw, I eat, I play defense. I act like a trauma survivor, less that last word. I turn into a scared animal, cringing at a lifted hand.
Someday, I will act like a survivor. Someday, I will play offense: I will eat foods that make me feel healthy, see people who make me feel strong, and do activities that force me out of a stupor. Someday, bad days will not scare me: they will not snowball into flashbacks and fear and the horrible belief that the past has not disappeared. Someday I will not be afraid. Someday.
Am I going to feel depressed all week? All month? All year? Am I going to stop working out and gain weight and withdraw from society? Is this going the feared bout of depression, looming on the horizon from which I do not recover? Will the fog ever lift? Will I ever be happy again?
For me, bad days are more than bad days. They are a trigger. They remind me of being depressed, of the trauma of self destruction, of the great tragedy in my life. I revert to attitudes and actions that bring scant comfort: I withdraw, I eat, I play defense. I act like a trauma survivor, less that last word. I turn into a scared animal, cringing at a lifted hand.
Someday, I will act like a survivor. Someday, I will play offense: I will eat foods that make me feel healthy, see people who make me feel strong, and do activities that force me out of a stupor. Someday, bad days will not scare me: they will not snowball into flashbacks and fear and the horrible belief that the past has not disappeared. Someday I will not be afraid. Someday.
Being able to acknowledge your feelings with such clarity, and express them with such acuity is A BIG DEAL.
ReplyDeleteMaybe all this expression will hasten the process of being a 'survivor'. You've already come such a long way .........
It seems you have already survived so much! And through the darkness and turmoil you have gathered many brilliant perspectives. I appreciate your willingness to share your feelings, with such beauty, clarity, whit and compassion.
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