Our Stories

Writing this blog has been a tremendous experience for me. I've found an outlet to process and express complex and evolving feelings and I've been touched beyond expression by the response from friends, colleagues, and strangers who emphathize and sympathize with the comments I post here.

As I've received positive feedback about my writing, I've started to think about other projects. There is a whole genre of topics that I can't write about in this forum, particularly related to relationships, that I could share in other formats: short stories, newspaper articles, maybe a book. Why not spend more time writing, both improving my craft and building something worth sharing more broadly? Last week, I remembered why not.

Meditation and Mania

Recently, I've been meditating on planes. The ~80 minute flight I've been taking is the perfect opportunity to enjoy a quiet, seated meditation and I've enjoyed having that time built into my day. Yesterday, I was experiencing some hypomanic symptoms while I tried to meditate and the results were quite interesting.

Maybe This Time

Apologies for the delay in posting - there has been a lot going on in my life, related to bipolar symptoms and otherwise, and I feel like I'm in a bit of a craeative black hole. However, I thought I'd pull together a post about some recent events.

One of the worst things about this illness is regretting actions I took and choices I made before diagnosis and treatment. To an outsider, I was a healthy and even highly functional human being but to those I allowed close to me I was a mess. My decisions were driven by fear: fear of something that I couldn't identify (until later, when it happened and a cruelly honest part of me was relieved to finally understand what it was I had been trying to avoid for all this time). I clung to people I thought could protect me and I pushed away those I thought might bring me closer to the edge. These were often the same people.

Health Insurance (sort of)

Earlier this week I came across a very interesting article in the New York Times about Sallie Mae's newest financial product, tuition refunds. These policies refund a student's tuition if the child gets so sick that he or she has to withdraw from school. It refunds your tuition 100% if the child has a physical illness and 75% if the illness is mental.

Running Downhill

This weekend, I partcipated in a 5-mile coastal trail run. It began with a 1,000 foot climb over the first mile and a half. It was slow going at first, but armed with my 90s music playlist and drawing in the positive energy of the runners around me, I clambered up the mountain and the downhill came soon enough.

I've dealt with enough personal crises that I actually thrive in moments of intense physical or emotional crisis - when someone is sick or injured, or when we're under a particularly brutal deadline at work, or when I'm running 1,000 feet uphill, I'm at my best. I know where my reserves are, I know that pain is only pain, and I'm learning, through meditation and life experience, that almost everything will pass. The problem for me comes when I'm running downhill.

Next time I'll be braver

Over the last week, I've shared a lot of changes happening in my life with those close to me: my upcoming move, change in career, and changes in living situations. The fnalization and fast arrival of these changes is starting to cause me a little bit of stress - where am I going to live in a few weeks? Am I going to be successful on my new career path? Why am I leaving behind something so good? I'm also in a blessed spot with my illness; while it affects everything I do, I am managing it through medication, lifestyle choices, and love. By the grace of God, the universe, my family, lithium, and sheer, beautiful, shimmering luck, I am in this blessed spot.

Meditation

It's been a long time since my last post, mostly because I went on a 10 day silent meditation retreat. The experience was transformational and much needed. During my ten days there, I learned a lot about how little I am able to trust my self and yet, on the other hand, I gained a great deal of trust in my ability to cope and handle difficult situations.